Aidan

i went to the doctor and dropped off my immunization forms and tomorrrow i get my menningitis shot. My father drove me to the campus and it was the first time i ever seen it. It was huge! lol it took up more than three blocks, for each department, and they even had a field. i never been a part of a team or involved in sports during my education so i thought it might be cool to try it out. Just imagine me in uniform?! ha maybe i can do it, but i sure am puny, i don't know what team i can try out.

Played around withj a picture.

I need to go to the doctor to get my immunization forms filled out for college. I have to take the skills assessment test and register...ugh i'm getting anxious just thinking about it.

I haven't seen my friends in a while... i wonder if we'll keep in touch while in college.
okay my embarassing admission is i didn not make the most of my summer vacation, i should have done more. i guess i'll always have next year to road trip.

i'm back!

Latin Boi 321: Phil?
PoopyHeadNIN: i recognize the font
PoopyHeadNIN: still hate me?
Latin Boi 321: nope
Latin Boi 321: who am i ?
PoopyHeadNIN: y not i thought u liked it
PoopyHeadNIN: i recognize your font and "boi"
PoopyHeadNIN: ALAN
Latin Boi 321: yup
PoopyHeadNIN: oh yea and your baseball
Latin Boi 321: anywhoooo how are you ?
PoopyHeadNIN: icon
PoopyHeadNIN: good
PoopyHeadNIN: in florida
Latin Boi 321: u?
PoopyHeadNIN: yup
Latin Boi 321: good
PoopyHeadNIN: wpb
PoopyHeadNIN: WEst palm beach
Latin Boi 321: cool
PoopyHeadNIN: yea i guess
PoopyHeadNIN: half of me wishes i never came
Latin Boi 321: oh
PoopyHeadNIN: howve you been
Latin Boi 321: good
PoopyHeadNIN: "out of the closet"
Latin Boi 321: yes
PoopyHeadNIN: im prooud
Latin Boi 321: thanks
PoopyHeadNIN: was it easy for you
Latin Boi 321: yes it was ....
PoopyHeadNIN: ...wow
PoopyHeadNIN: well it always is
Latin Boi 321: even tho half of my friends dont believe me
PoopyHeadNIN: really....
PoopyHeadNIN: was it a speach to your whole school
Latin Boi 321: no i had a pool party at my house
PoopyHeadNIN: and you announced it?
PoopyHeadNIN: !
Latin Boi 321: yes
PoopyHeadNIN: wow big deal
PoopyHeadNIN: i bet your living a slight happier life the least
Latin Boi 321: well ya kinda ...u remmeber when i told you that when i turn 18 i was going on a big vacation with my friends from across the map ?
PoopyHeadNIN: yea
Latin Boi 321: well i did it ...my 12 friends left here last sunday ...i'm still here in Puerto Rico
PoopyHeadNIN: cool
Latin Boi 321: i bought 8 acres of land last week and i still have to wait for my deep to be put in my name ..
Latin Boi 321: but i leave here
PoopyHeadNIN: and your 18?
Latin Boi 321: it sucks cuz i have friends waiting for me in NY and Hawaii
PoopyHeadNIN: lol
Latin Boi 321: yes as of June 27th
PoopyHeadNIN: lol
PoopyHeadNIN: lol
Latin Boi 321: why? lol ?
PoopyHeadNIN: my sister used to always question me if you were 30 or 40
Latin Boi 321: omg
PoopyHeadNIN: lol
PoopyHeadNIN: and i would always say no hes not trust me
Latin Boi 321: so why u say that ? cuz i bought land with the money my dad left me when i turn 18
PoopyHeadNIN: and here you are at 18 with a car and a hoouse
Latin Boi 321: well thats good to hear that u stood up 4 me
PoopyHeadNIN: a athlete and now you have land
Latin Boi 321: i have pics of my house ...u wanna see it
PoopyHeadNIN: ummm ok if i know how to work this thing
Latin Boi 321: so what .....i'm no better then anyone one else
PoopyHeadNIN: heee hee you know me
PoopyHeadNIN: ;-)
Latin Boi 321 wants to directly connect.
PoopyHeadNIN: what do you mean
Latin Boi 321: do u have a cell phone ?
PoopyHeadNIN: you seem happy
Latin Boi 321: not really
Connection problem with Latin Boi 321; no connection was made. (Your 'Internet Connection Firewall' may be on. If you and your buddy are each behind a different firewall, then the connection will not work.).
Latin Boi 321: i'm the same
Latin Boi 321: accept
PoopyHeadNIN: what i already did
Latin Boi 321: i guess i have to wait
Latin Boi 321: we are pretty far from each other
Latin Boi 321 wants to directly connect.
Latin Boi 321: are you on aim or aol ?
PoopyHeadNIN: aim
Connection problem with Latin Boi 321; no connection was made. (Your 'Internet Connection Firewall' may be on. If you and your buddy are each behind a different firewall, then the connection will not work.).
Latin Boi 321: ok
PoopyHeadNIN: ehhh i hate comp
Latin Boi 321: whats ur eamil ..or u rather i didnt send
Latin Boi 321: email*
PoopyHeadNIN: alan why alaways so negative
Latin Boi 321: hey....i dont know if u really dont want to be bother
Latin Boi 321: do u have a cell ?
PoopyHeadNIN: no
Latin Boi 321: ok np
PoopyHeadNIN: actually my sister supposedly has unlimited long distance
PoopyHeadNIN: and how dare you question my intentions am i not talking to u now?
Latin Boi 321: ok bye
PoopyHeadNIN: what?
Latin Boi 321: u said u wasnt talking to me now
PoopyHeadNIN: read again
Latin Boi 321: sorry i close the box
Latin Boi 321: opps
Latin Boi 321: copy and paste please
PoopyHeadNIN: how dare you question my intentions am i not talking to u now?
PoopyHeadNIN: am i not talking to u now?
PoopyHeadNIN: its a question
PoopyHeadNIN: that means i do want to talk to you
Latin Boi 321: o ok
Latin Boi 321:
Latin Boi 321: do u still have my cell number?
PoopyHeadNIN: you said you changed it
PoopyHeadNIN: and you hated me
PoopyHeadNIN: and my brothers was an asshole
Latin Boi 321: ok ...u want to bring that up ...i 4got about all that a long time ago ...but if thats what u want well i'm sorry
PoopyHeadNIN: no
PoopyHeadNIN: i didnt mean to
PoopyHeadNIN: ...
PoopyHeadNIN: forget it
Latin Boi 321: ok
PoopyHeadNIN: just reminding you you never gave it
Latin Boi 321: i will never
PoopyHeadNIN: never what?
Latin Boi 321: 4get
Latin Boi 321: nrm
Latin Boi 321: so u wanna talk ?
PoopyHeadNIN: yea...
Latin Boi 321: i call u or u call me ?
PoopyHeadNIN: i call you
Latin Boi 321: ***-***-****
Latin Boi 321: anytime ....24/7
PoopyHeadNIN: ....laughs...
PoopyHeadNIN: hold up

Why is it people come up to me and tell me i saw your school on a newspaper and magazine like it was a surprise. hello it's a gay highscool what do you expect were all wild and crazy we clash we blend yada yada yada. its fun though and proms coming up but thankfully i dont need a tuxedo because its not my prom hehe.
oh gosh who would i bring?!

i went shopping at the mall and got me my north face botty bag!!! heh.
i bought rosy a couple of things too and i have another hat to go with my collection.
Brian,Rosy,Cj,Rich,Colleen(my sisters friend), and i were all at the mall and they were craving for ice cream so we went to cold stone. it was great it actually looked like a job they liked. they all would sing to you while giving your ice cream!!! one guy shifted his eyes past a customer and looked at me once we walked in. i was paying for my own $5 ice cream and i ordered a banana gotta have it, which is the largest, with rainbow sprinkles ::smiles::
dont you ever sometimes stare at a guy a your watching him do something and all you can picture is something really sexual related to what he does... because boy he was working that ice cream. anyways enough said!

i went to sunday mass...
for the sake of my father and it was exceptionally long by the way and more than a hour. although i embarrassed my father, wearing a hat during church... who gives a flying fuck what they think. i mean your a man right? you have pride and an ego everything that can "make" a man. why do you care?!
Doesnt that prove you less of a man, dont you walk with pride, sure your ego can get damaged and your PRIDE can be pushed and lowered.
If ignorance is bliss, What is bliss?! then does that mean bliss is ignorant... but what is bliss, can anyone actually tell me this emotion or feeling and why the fuck would it matter.
Mass finished and an old fashioned fart of a couple asked "is there something wrong with your head?".
i guess they thought it rude of me to wear a hat but my herr wasnt did. i didnt have the chance to shower because i was rushed in ten minutes to be out of the house. yes indeed it feels disgusting but dont act like no one has ever done something like that. Anyways i told them i had HEAD SURGERY and indeed he nodded with understanding and acknowledgement, and said do you feel alright or something along those lines.
I guess i grunted, and sighed with sorrow...heh hmmm "i'm feeling better",he walked away afterwards with his wifes nose ten feet into the conversation. As for me i walked away the better man for putting up such a DRAmatic act up.

i'm in ocala visiting my uncle and aunt from my fathers side
we left west palm beach late because my father had a bad hang over from new years...
unfortunately i have to start finishing my english homework..ugh
i've been really frustrated lately and impatient with little things but then there's always the usual stare at a man and cheer up medicine to make it up.
I've proven to myself that i dont need alchohol anymore well for 6temporary happiness that is and i've proven that i could stop... ok i guess i admit i was getting addicted finding salvation deep within. since i've proven it i guess i could drink ANYTIME i want but i won't, occasionally might be acceptable but i think i have other things to fix and improve... what else is new? ummm i'm clean (no drugs anymore) i feel somewhat proud and i'm free to say i escaped... i am much better than these idiot children in my school
oh and i'm trying to quit smoking !!!!! i never thought it possible.

*list of goals*
quit drinking __________________________________check
stop drugs (perscription is an exception)_________check
no more cigarettes_______________________________the attempt remains
gain about twenty pounds________________________still fucking trying!!!
great body with the twenty pounds________________never started yet
do good in school_______________________________isnt my fault i wake up late!!!
live past 30____________________________________but i really dont want to get wrinkly

Starboi000321: Phil ???
PoopyHeadNIN: omg i havent spoken to you in a long time]
Starboi000321: yup
Starboi000321: merry xmas
PoopyHeadNIN: omg if u only sa i have a big smile on my face
PoopyHeadNIN: :-D
PoopyHeadNIN: u too
Starboi000321: thanks
PoopyHeadNIN: im blushing
Starboi000321: well i just wanna say hi
PoopyHeadNIN: y'd u IM me?
PoopyHeadNIN: ::curious::
PoopyHeadNIN: yea me too
Starboi000321: just to see if you was still alive
PoopyHeadNIN: welll just for you to kno
PoopyHeadNIN: my friend cvlaudia has my password saved on her comp so it automatically logs in
PoopyHeadNIN: so
PoopyHeadNIN: if im on it might not be me
PoopyHeadNIN: ;-)
Starboi000321: ok cool ...dont worry i wont bother you
PoopyHeadNIN: your not
PoopyHeadNIN: howve you been
PoopyHeadNIN: ????
Starboi000321: great
PoopyHeadNIN: out of the closet yet
PoopyHeadNIN: or should i say walk in closet
PoopyHeadNIN: :-D
Starboi000321: nope ...not untill i graduate in may
PoopyHeadNIN: ::claps::
PoopyHeadNIN: well you have to tell me about that day
Starboi000321: i'm here in NY
PoopyHeadNIN: wow lucky you.......
Starboi000321: ya right
Starboi000321: i cant wait to leave
PoopyHeadNIN: when r u leaving
Starboi000321: the 2nd ...
PoopyHeadNIN: oh
Starboi000321: yup
Starboi000321: so whats going on with you ?
Starboi000321: any bf yet
PoopyHeadNIN: im in florida
PoopyHeadNIN: nope
Starboi000321: u in florida
Starboi000321: ?
PoopyHeadNIN: yea...
Starboi000321: thats good
PoopyHeadNIN: thats y im online
Starboi000321: have fun
PoopyHeadNIN: im sorry i havent gotten in touch dont have internet right now and i tried calling you and i think it said
PoopyHeadNIN: ur phone want on or something
Starboi000321: i have a new number
PoopyHeadNIN: yea
PoopyHeadNIN: it said that
Starboi000321: yup
Starboi000321: so what part of fl are you in?
PoopyHeadNIN: uhhh west palm beach
Starboi000321: wow great ...i have alot of friends there
PoopyHeadNIN: cool
PoopyHeadNIN: any bf yet?
Starboi000321: anywho ...i just wanted to see if you was alive and you are ...so now i'll leave you alone as you did me ...take care Phil ..
PoopyHeadNIN: ... you angry?
Starboi000321: what do u think
Starboi000321: but hey who cares right
PoopyHeadNIN: well i kinda got a feeling you didnt care abou me
PoopyHeadNIN: anyways i said i dont have inyternet but its no excuse
Starboi000321: your the one who didnt keep in touch with
PoopyHeadNIN: im sorry lan
PoopyHeadNIN: *alan
Starboi000321: whatever ...
PoopyHeadNIN: i was dealing with alt i=of shit that u wouldnt want to know about
PoopyHeadNIN: as u diont like the silent treatment i dont either
PoopyHeadNIN: so please talk
Starboi000321: ur right i dont want to know and i'm also chatting with my friends from home and a friend whom i'm going to visit in Cali on the 2nd ..
PoopyHeadNIN: ok then
PoopyHeadNIN: but please dont hate me for this....
Starboi000321: and tell ur brother he's a prick for me ..
PoopyHeadNIN: since u dont care that much y r u so angry
PoopyHeadNIN: what??
PoopyHeadNIN: so u IM me just to make me feel guily?
Starboi000321: NO
Starboi000321: just to see if you didnt kill urself
PoopyHeadNIN: hehehe
Starboi000321: just to see if you wwas still alive
PoopyHeadNIN: not yet alan
Starboi000321: ok
PoopyHeadNIN: dont worry i did stay out of your way.... your the that IM'd me .... so grow UP
Starboi000321: ok i will
Starboi000321: bye dude
PoopyHeadNIN: wait wait wait..... but why exactly r U angry?
Starboi000321: ask ur brother
PoopyHeadNIN: ask my brother?
PoopyHeadNIN: what does he have to do with u
Starboi000321: ask him the last time we chatted what he said to me ..
Starboi000321: but i really dont give a fuck so dont worry about it
PoopyHeadNIN: why dont you just tell me... it'll make it much easier besides he's not here
PoopyHeadNIN: if u dont give a fuck y is it bothering you
Starboi000321: i really dont want to talk about it ...you havent even try to get intouch with me thru IM or email ....i saw you online so many times and u never even said hi ....so now i really dont care
PoopyHeadNIN: didnt i just tell you?
PoopyHeadNIN: i said my friend uses my sn
PoopyHeadNIN: !!!!
Starboi000321: ya ya ya ur friend
PoopyHeadNIN: i dont have interet anymore
Starboi000321: dose ur friend have aol?
PoopyHeadNIN: and im not really friends with claudia anymore \
PoopyHeadNIN: i havewnt seen her since thge summer
Starboi000321: so change ur password
PoopyHeadNIN: i dont have anymore friendfs anymore becuase ive built a wall around myself because i dont trust anyone
PoopyHeadNIN: ui dont have any thng to change it with!!!
PoopyHeadNIN: no internet!!!
PoopyHeadNIN: not my friend....
Starboi000321: ur online right now ...do it now
PoopyHeadNIN: in fglorida
Starboi000321: soooo
PoopyHeadNIN: i just got here on vacation
Starboi000321: ok ok whatever
PoopyHeadNIN: ALan!!!
PoopyHeadNIN: ...
PoopyHeadNIN: do u AVE A REEASON Y U ARE UPET IF ARE?
PoopyHeadNIN: *have
PoopyHeadNIN: sorry see i havent been on the comp in a long tie see i cant even type right
PoopyHeadNIN: and plus your getting me nervous
Starboi000321: anyway i met this really great guy here and i better get ready for when he gets here ..
PoopyHeadNIN: ok well m glad i atleast had what i had to say
PoopyHeadNIN: whatever
PoopyHeadNIN: bye
Starboi000321: bye

im confused i dont understand anything anymore

i try not to shake... i feel so embarrassed
i take one more lick to taste you
it feels so familiar...
i inhale dust, i feel so imperfect
another bloodline might show me some comfort
hold me till tomorrow and tell me it will be...okay
i think for just a second... maybe
maybe he's out there
i'm blessed with an angel
such beauty and perfection
reassure me for a while
whisper to me and take me in you
im safe...
can you see the moon?
look at it with me...
can you you see the sun?
i see you inside it
...promise me you wont,leave me
im too weak to see another... give up
please please dont hurt me
im far too sensitive for this
please dont hurt me
im far too weak
can you see the moon?
he was my only friend
he doesnt frown... now that your here
i shake and i panick
your hand holds my wing
remind me me that i have you...have you
i feel so imperfect
screw up again...
what if you hurt me?
you see me with outlines
i can breathe once more
...when i see you

Dashboard confessional
Remember to breathe

She fixes her lips, they
always looks perfect...
Never a smudge line,
Never too mu-ch.

I try on my blue shirt...
She told me she liked it, once.

She wonders what I'll wear,
She knows just what she'll wear,
She al-ways wears blue.

So sneakers or flipflops?
I'm starting to panic.
Remember she asked you,
"Remember to bre-athe,
And every-thing will be o-kay."

Okay...Okay...
Alright...Alright...
Alright...Alright...
Alright...Alright...

rise and shine.
i took my medication at 12... my fucking mother finally remembered to get it! and fell asleep at 3:30am and woke up at about 6 on the dot. i thought i might fall back asleep but i wasn't tired at all not only that but wide awake with the strength to get off of bed and make coffee.
off to a new start and stop sitting on my ass.
i have therapy today and have to schedule an appointment with my psychiatrist.

I heard about your trip
I heard about your souveniers
I heard about the cool breeze, in the cool nights, and the cool guys
That you spent them with
I guess I should have heard of them from you
Well, I guess I should have heard of them from you

Don't you see, don't you see that the charade is over?
And all the Best Deceptions and the Clever Cover Story awards
Go to you
So kiss me hard 'cause this will be the last time that I'll let you
You will be back some day
And this awkward kiss that tells of other people's lips
Will be of service
To keeping you away

I heard about your regrets
I heard that you were feeling sorry
I heard from someone that you wish you could set things right between us
Well, I guess I should have heard of that from you
I guess I should have heard of that from you

Don't you see, don't you see that the charade is over?
And all the Best Deceptions and the Clever Cover Story awards
Go to you
So kiss me hard 'cause this will be the last time that I let you
You will be back someday
And this awkward kiss that screams of other people's lips
Will be of service to keeping you away
To keeping you away

I'm waiting for blood to flow to my fingers
I'll be all right when my hands get warm
Ignoring the phone, I'd rather say nothing
I'd rather you'd never heard my voice

You're calling too late, too late to be gracious
And you do not warrant long good-byes
You're calling too late
You're calling too late
You're calling too late

yea i made it through that black out but i still feel miserable and i really am not so well i hate this thing i've become.
everything i do is a mistake... i'm a screw up and all i do is fuck everything up. i know everybody would live just dandy without me. i hate me. i feel uncomfortable in my skin.
i can't help but cry right now... i'm pressing my fingers on my scar my inner thigh that reads "george"
i don't want to be like this i hate being depressed and i hate having anxiety and damn panick/anxiety attacks... i hate being dependent on my medication because i can't live without my medication i'm so miserable .
i used to be an alchoholic you mind as well title me pathetic and weak-minded... recently about a month and a half ago i quit...

i have to take a shower soon
i missed therapy yesterday parents forgot to leave money so i rescheduled for today and claudia is coming with me and then i'm going to the city to get my damn transcript... lazy ass school!

ok he says he's fourteen... whatever
i'm done banging my head against the screen

im twitching my bro was chattting with some guy and the guy sent a pic of his 3 inch penis!!!!!!!
im twitching then he send his nude pic of him plpaying with himself and he's a little 8 year old!!!!!!!
im traumatized!!!!!!

my mother,brian and i went to rosanna's school for some family therapy. they started with me... i dont know why and the lady said she knows alot about rosy so she wants to hear about me and brian. then it turned out to this big thing and serious talk while everyone was looking at me and mother was giggling for no apparent reason. they werent taking me seriously and rosy laughed thinking i was ridiculous. and the that whole time i was having a panick attack and i shut up and dazed off hoping to find my sanctuary. i couldnt breathe well and i was shaking. they all stared at me i glanced at them all and it was that unforgettable awkward silence and i looked at rosy and into her eyes. i wanted to cry. she looked at m e with worry but i looked into her eyes and went into my own little world. i couldnt speak for a while then rosy asked me if i wanted a snapple because she was getting and saves me from that shithole. i walked outside with her almost to the lunchroom and i see it full of white girls!!! (it is an all girl school in long island after all) and i told her i didnt want to go in and blushed and all the girls were looking at me as if theyve never seen a guy before. i said hello to them got a drink and ran off with rosy back to the room laughing. they looked at me like i was some raosted pig and they have starved for days...

No, I can’t forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that’s just the way this story goes,
You always smile....
But in you eyes your sorrow shows
Yes it shows

No I can’t forget tomorrow
When I think of all my sorrows
When I had you there but then I let you go
And now it’s only fair that I should let you know
What you should know

I cant live
If living is without you
I can’t live
I can’t give anymore
Can’t live
If living is without you
can’t give,
I can’t give anymore

Well, I can’t forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that’s just the way this story goes,
You always smile
But in you eyes your sorrow shows
Yes it shows

can’t live
If living is without you
I can’t live
I can’t give anymore
Can’t live
If living is without you
I can’t live,
I can’t give anymore

Ohhhhhh(No can’t live)
No no no (No I can’t live)
I can’t live (No can’t live)
If living is without (No I can’t live)
I can’t live (No can’t live)
I can’t give anymore (No I can’t live)

i wanna kiss you in paris
i wanna hold your hand in rome
i wanna run naked in a rainstorm
make love in a train
cross country
you put this in me
so now what, so now what
wanting
needing
waiting
for you to justify my love
my love
hoping
praying
for you to justify my love